I wrote this last year, but it still feels relevant and so I publish it now. A little late, but better than never. Enjoy.
The last few months have been one of many kinds of transitions for me and as well for the world. Letting go, shutting down. These are mantras I have been witness to and developing skill in myself. As a globe we are watching with horror as the newly elected president of our country dismantles and shuts down any aspect of environmental and socially oriented programs. I fear the worst is yet to come.
2016 was a intense year for transition for Michael and I as well personally. The college that my husband and I both worked at for many years, abruptly shuttered their doors after many months/years of drama, chaos and financial mismanagement in the administration two days after graduation, stunning everyone in our small community. Oddly, a few days before this happened, I was offered another adjunct position at another university. The summer was to be full of gardening, teaching and family.While I had good intentions to work on creative and artistic endeavors, such as refinish my altar table, the larger world had other plans for me/us.
My father who for many years had struggled with congestive heart failure and Parkinson’s Disease began a downward spiral in July- In the span of a month, he was hospitalized 4-5 times for pneumonia, from aspirating food and drink. By the end of July, he had stopped eating and was only drinking. From the outside looking in, it was clear that my fathers
My father performing at a fundraiser for Parkinson’s Disease. April 2016
body was shutting down. A brilliant and gifted person whose world revolved around language, was a Shakespearean and Chaucer scholar, loved culture and music, (playing multiple instruments throughout his life) he was at a place in which he couldn’t communicate, couldn’t make music and was slowly mentally unable to not take in what he could before. I think his body had decided it was time, before he did, but eventually he decided it was time to go and in two days he went. Like at other times in his life in which he had made his way, my father left on his own terms.
Of course this meant we were to let go yet again. My husband and I were on vacation during this time with my mother. A balancing of many needs- our need for space and connection to nature, my mothers need to bear witness to her former husband and what life they had had(and still had through their children). As we traveled back to the city I was flooded with memory and experiences I had had with my dad. My relationship with my father was complex in nature, often very distant and uncertain, and yet in many ways we were deeply connected and engaged, particularly in the last few years. He watched me grow from an uncertain, and awkward child into someone who strove for meaning and connection as a global citizen. Something that he had direct influence on me as his love (and to be fair, my mothers love as well) of travel. As I reflected upon our relationship after he passed away, I realized that my father always had my back even when I wasn’t sure where he was. It is this aspect of our relationship that I will hold most dear and close to my heart. In these uncertain times it is something that I cherish.
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